Oh, yay, free verse. How can I make it better?
“Forgotten Night in Eden”
You will find me,
in flowing fields of saffron,
dancing to
the beat of thunder.
The mamba ’round my neck
will sing
a lightning opera.
We will lie down,
in flowing fields of saffron,
your lips will whisper
over my scars,
keeping my talons at bay.
The lion in your heart
will rest.
We will make love,
in flowing fields of saffron.
You will bite into
the flesh of my heart,
rich and sinful
as the original fall.
Our aura’s will blend,
creating sunset.
You will awaken,
in flowing fields of saffron,
feel the lingering heat
beside you…
and wonder
if I existed.
It’s a poem! I know about the crocus flower but still, “in flowing fields of crocus flowers,” just doesn’t have the right feel to it. Am I right?
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5 comments a “Oh, yay, free verse. How can I make it better?”
Ha ha! I finally get to pick on one. Saffron is the pollen of the crocus flower.
Well, perchance a strong wind blew through the flowers…causing…you know what I mean. Otherwise, tasty!
Seen on PBS special, Scientists still searching for the first
flower, two men as a team truly thought they had made the
discovery in China! via a fossil, A woman scientist proved them wrong.
Your pondering poem of echos resounding to me —– As well a book titled
” I Eve” by Edward Le Comte, Enchanting fiction, startling. A
book one cannot put down. Out of print but can be found, I do
believe your would enjoy the read.
Saffron Catfish, that’s good! A buffet offering morsels to appeal to many senses. As far as those of the mouth are concerned, we have “whispering lips,” “bite into flesh,” preceded by the mention of one of the most terrifyingly deadly serpents in all Creation. I know that you are also playing with its similarity to “mambo,” but I was taken aback by the image of it around the neck, and found it difficult to recover to the point where I could just treat it as a poetic device. I’m not sure if those who have never seen the mamba in action would have such a problem. But recover I did, and enjoyed your poem, with its lyric flow and subtle meanings.
*****
If I may be so bold…
You are exceptional, regardless the style. However, your free form takes my breath away… This is where your heart is.
So after reading this … it was a night in Eden!!
Temari
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